By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
