My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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