Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
