In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
