Where are you?
In a non slutty way
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
