There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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