sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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