just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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