I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
there is puke in my bra ... again
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
