I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
