I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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