i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
