and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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