the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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