we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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