i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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