my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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