I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
