her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
