the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
