There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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