btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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