I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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