you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
