dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
