soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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