Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
