My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
