Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
