don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
