I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
