i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
