Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
