Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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