I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
