yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
