im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
