Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
