he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
