my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry about my life...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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