btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
