you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have fence marks all over my body
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
