dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
