ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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