I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
