I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
