My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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