Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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