dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
