There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
